Despite an emergency motion filed by Alex Jones, The Onion has successfully assumed control of the InfoWars platform. Comedian and actor Tim Heidecker made his debut as the new host and creative director on Friday, introducing a surreal, satirical era for the outlet via a surprise livestream.
“Lot of turmoil the past couple days on our road to total victory. We have just won a major battle, folks. Alex and his gang of liars and scoundrels have been cast out into the street, they have lost InfoWars, InfoWars.com, and their various platforms,” Heidecker declared, delivering a pitch-perfect impression of the former host.
Heidecker continued, “They have been cast out, ladies and gentlemen, and make no mistake, we will be the new InfoWars. Now we got to go through the machinations of the court, we’ve had some setbacks over past couple days, but that is not stopping us, that is not tempering our resolve.”
Mocking the legal proceedings surrounding the Texas court decision, Heidecker added, “This is merely a distraction by the courts. We knew this was gonna be coming, we prepared for it, we are continuing the fight. We have never been more resolved to seek restitution and justice for the Sandy Hook families.”
The broadcast quickly descended into absurdity, with Heidecker announcing a bizarre alliance “between Satan and God himself.” He later celebrated the partnership by symbolically drinking “human blood curated from the forsaken.”
The segment also featured a cameo from a “President Donald Trump” impersonator, who called in to offer congratulations on the takeover. “We’re gonna have our disagreements, we’re gonna have our fights, but we love each other, and when we love, love can conquer all,” the character remarked, before rambling about various Debra Winger films.
Heidecker concluded the broadcast by pitching new, satirical products, including “Piss-to-Gold,” a supplement that claims to turn urine into bullion. “We’ve already won, folks,” he reiterated. “Alex Jones has been kicked off InfoWars; if you go to InfoWars.com right now, you’ll see it as a dead site. But we are not finishing, we are not done, we are continuing our resolve.”