With the Eat the Rich movement in full force and RFK Jr. spewing nonsense about antidepressants and vaccines as part of his campaign strategy, the Kennedy legacy has taken somewhat of a beating as of late. Which is why the famous family should be thanking their lucky stars for Jack Schlossberg, the grandson of JFK and himbo extraordinaire, who went viral earlier this week for an impromptu social media tirade about (holds breath)…. ordering at restaurants (exhales in relief).
On July 3, Schlossberg posted the rant on his Instagram stories, lecturing to an unseen giggling cameraperson (whose voice closely resembles that of his mom, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, but frankly I’m not willing to spend $50 of our editorial budget on voice recognition software to independently confirm), about the evils of dining out.
“We have to wait there to eat something that we don’t get to choose, really, what it is. We only have a couple of choices. And we don’t know what any of them will taste like, or what’s good,” he says in the video. “We’ll go eat there and it’ll be covered in sugar, and we’re gonna sit there for most of the time and wait for some guy to come up and ask us some questions, and we’re gonna have to fucking talk to some guy about what we want to eat for food and put inside of our bodies.”
Schlossberg also took issue with the idea of having to essentially do homework during one’s leisure time by having to consult a menu prior to ordering: “We have to read something in order to get the food first. You have to read to get your food. Why?” (The cameraperson does not interject by asking Schlossberg about photo-based menus, such as those offered by establishments like Denny’s, but considering there is a 110% chance that no one in the Kennedy clan up to and including the Shrivers has stepped foot within a 150-yard radius of a Denny’s, the interlocuter’s lack of journalistic rigor can be forgiven).
When questioned about why he’s so angry about restaurants, Schlossberg says, “Because it ruins your whole life….not everyone likes dinner. Most people in the world don’t spend their life eating dinner.” Which I suppose is true, just as it’s technically true that most people don’t go viral for being hot and wearing a windbreaker while doing impromptu observational comedy on Martha’s Vineyard.
Schlossberg, 30, is an Ivy League-educated attorney and MBA who has also dabbled in acting, doing a stint on the seemingly constantly-filming-in-the-outer-boroughs CBS drama Blue Bloods. Perhaps more importantly than any of these bona fides, however, he has a great head of hair, his own entry on WikiFeet, and “looks like JFK Jr. if he didn’t know how to talk to women and loved Settlers of Catan,” to quote my colleague Brittany Spanos. In short, if Schlossberg is single, this video functions as the most effective personal ad that I’ve ever seen. And if he gets a Netflix standup special in the process, so much the better.